i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
