How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
