I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
