I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
