i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
