"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
