My sheets look like a crime scene.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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