i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
