Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
