I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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