Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
