remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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