i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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