Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
