Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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