she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
