Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
tell me about the fingering
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