Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
