she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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