remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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