she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
someone owes me an orgasm
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
