So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
