i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
