Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
