I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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