Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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