i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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