Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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