So drunk its hurt
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
