I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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