am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
