there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
