At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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