Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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