There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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