All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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