Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
