Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
