you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
