2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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