got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
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