Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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