shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
