ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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