I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
