OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Well I just put wine in my tea
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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