Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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