I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You need Xanax blowdarts
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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