How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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