i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
